They want me to go out but they dont want to go out out. They basically dont want me to live. They tell me one thing and then another. I mean how the hell do i live with that. How the hell am i suppose to talk and communicate with people who just think that things will happen. Things just dont pop up and boom happen. Theres a start and finish.
Im going on this stupid “vacation” with the family. Which means parents are involved. Here we go: long ride of fake convos just to get the day going, awkward family reunions, and the same shit is just going to happen again.
First off no this isnt what i call vacation because my parents are going to be there. They’ve caused me the most stress in my entire life. So no this will not be a vacation. This will be like i never even left. Im bring a long stress everywhere in this vacation because this long going rollercoaster of school is just fucking nuts and nonstop. I always have to put such a front just to get on with the day. Im so fuckin tired. When i get home my mom is there just to criticize and punch questions in my face. Shes always in my head and just fucking yelling. I cant wait til the day i get away from her. I need time to just get away from the real negativeness around my life. Which is her and her life that created this mess. She made me like this.
Thats it. Im stressed forever. I know i shouldnt say this but i seriously dont want to be around my mom. She isn’t fun or anything to be accompanied by. Shes a mess all by herself.
There were so many times! So many times where i would just be a decent daughter and just let her lecture and criticize my life situations and i wouldnt say a word til she leaves. I know she cares but i mean c’mon i really know what shes really thinking and what she really thinks of me. Her and my dad. I know they really think that im dumb and lazy because its the truth.
Just be around them makes me face the truth and that I’ve become like them. Stressed and negative. They start to question my attitude when im completely their own reflections of themselves. The way they treated me for so long. Its a mirror. That i just dont want to look at anymore. I hate what I’ve done and become. I dont know who i am for now. I know that i just dont want to be around them for too long or god knows what. Early death. Then i know i really didnt live my own life with my own decisons. Its funny how parents raise you to be your very best when i couldnt even get that choice. It was more like i had to be perfect or nothing at all. I lived with stressed for so long. Im just mirroring my stress by pretending its not there and by being so fake and negative.
I was my parents. I honestly never like my parents personalities. They were just parents. They had these jobs to just take care of the house and pay bills but they never got the time to figure out their children’s “house” or “bills” they were just doing the job of being parents. Its almost like love doesnt fit in anymore. Love is fake in this family. We get through it by being fake unreal and negative. Thats what I’ve learned by being in this family.
Love is fake. Its a cover up. They never support me. They stressed me out to the point where i lost control and shut down. I close doors on people. I stopped talking. I stopped caring. Its because of stress. Its because of my parents and the way they did their jobs. I hope i dont turn out like them. Families are suppose to love one another for who they are inside and out. They shouldn’t care what they are.
I dont know whats a family and whats love anymore. How sad is that.